Meeting of the Rubble Club, 23 May 2008

Hello, Madge Dumpling here again welcoming you to this week's meeting of the Rubble Club of Undergrowby. Thanks to my soon-to-be prefect, Linedancer, who kindly wished for sunshine, we have had lovely weather all week here in Blackpool, and I am building up to telling you all about the magical triangular implications of summertime, which feels like it might have arrived early, thanks to you, Linedancer. Granny Gray has just arrived at the meeting and is making a beeline for my delicious new sandy rock puddings. She is within earshot, so we can't gossip about her today. Hey, Granny! don't forget your diet! We don't want you looking like a dumpling behind that counter, no matter how much you hope people will mistake you for a Dumpling. There's only one Madge Dumpling, Rubble Clubbers, and that's me.
Where was I? I was getting on to the triangular implications of summertime, which seem to be completely ignored in the human world, but now you own a pet rock, you will need to know about Undergrowby's magical little ways in order to keep your rockies perfectly in harmony with the seasons.
Summer is the shining, heart-warming season of the fire element. If you observe the shape of a fire, you will see it is triangular, with the point at the top, its hottest spot. At the very top, the point disappears into nothing, but the heat still rises into the air, towards the invisibles, the angels and ancestors in High Heaven, who embody its light and heat. That's why they are sparkly, tiny, shiny and happy all the time. We need to keep them that way because they are in charge of blessings and good luck.
Now, for those who do not know, the map of Undergowby is also a map of the human body upside down. The fire element area, the Summerlands, is at the bottom of the map but at the top of the body. In the body, the base of the fire, the hearth, is at the heart centre. If it is glowing well, the heart and mind is at peace(Heart and hearth sound very much alike, don't they, Rubble Clubbers?) The flames rise from the hearth to light up the chambers of the mind and shine out somewhere between the eyes in a kind of rosy glow beaming upon life, seeing the good in everything. The tip of the triangle ends somewhere in the invisible, heavenly-connection space just above the head. We Growbies know how important this space is and we wear pointed hats to keep it cosy. The better our fire is shining, the more pointy our hats become. You can tell a lot about a Growby by the nature of his or her hat.
Now, on to houses. You might have noticed, those of you who have visited my pet rock department in the Magic Wand Factory Shop in Dickson Road, Blackpool, that my pet rock kennels have a pointed roof. That is to keep the pet rocks' triangles cosy while they rest. When they and indeed us, Rubble Clubbers, are exhausted or cold, and our inner fires start to grow dim, our triangles shrink and droop. It's only natural. We need rest. You humans have not yet learned the life skill of wearing pointed hats, so you need more rest in summertime than us Growbies. Pet rocks have the most magnificent triangles of any species on earth, and after a little rest in their kennel, are able to radiate enough peace and joy from the chambers of their great minds to fill the whole room with love.
If you cannot get a kennel, I would advise you make your pet rocks a little pointed paper tent in which to rest, or if you want to really spoil them, even a little pointed hat. Think of it like a solar panel, because in summertime, pet rocks can absorb and compress acres of sunshine into their little triangles to power their limitless memory banks, ready for the challenge of winter, which is governed not by fire but by water.
I think you have the triangular picture now, Rubble Clubbers. There's more to pet rock keeping than I like to say at first, in case it puts people off, but what's good for a pet rock is good for its owners too, and you can learn a lot about yourself by sharing their little lives. You could try sleeping in a pointed hat yourselves, Rubble Clubbers, and see how your triangle feels in the morning. You might decide to keep it on all day like me, Madge Dumpling, who remains, as ever, your devoted chairman and friend, till we meet again.