Meeting of the Rubble Club 9th May 2008

Welcome once again, Rubble Clubbers, to the world-famous Rubble Club of the magical world of Undergrowby. This is Madge Dumpling, Quarrymistress of the Rocky Headlands, Rubble Club Chairman and pet rock whisperer at your service, inviting you to sample a new recipe I have concocted for today's members' buffet, crusty seaweed nibbles. It's that final sprinkling of sand and grated shells that makes them so crunchy and delicious. Go on, try one. I know many of you only come to steal my recipes, so I have to ring the changes.
Today I think I need to spend some time talking to you about spring ailments in pet rocks, so you can recognize the symptoms and treat them. The first and most important is depression. The first signs of it are red eyes. Even a faint flush of pink in the eyes is good enough reason to watch out for a temper tantrum. Then stiffness and rigidity and crossed-eyes (even more than usual) will start to come on, after which they will sink into a black mood which can last for weeks if untreated.
The cause of it is threefold. Firstly, it's spring and pet rocks love the summer and although normally patient and reasonable, there is something in the east wind in spring that brings out the tyrant in them. When spring is coming to an end, try though they might, they just can not wait for summer to begin. The good thing is, time passes and with it the sulkiness.
The second cause is draughts, again from the east wind. People have a tendency to open windows during spring cleaning and oblivious to the toxic effects of the east wind, allow their pet rocks to sit by east-facing open windows for a treat. It is perfectly safe to do so in every other season but not in spring. In spring the east wind is a powerful force for change. It is like as magic wand, blowing out the old and in with the new, often carrying seeds of wealth, but pet rocks dislike change and have no use for wealth. They like to be confident of exactly who and where they are because they have to hold on to their history in their vast memory banks, like the mountains whose block they are a chip off.
The third is lack of attention. If you were a pet rock left on a shelf unable to move yourself to where interesting things are happening you would get angry and frustrated too. At all times of
the year this is the case, but especially in spring when the poor little things already contending with all the other aforementioned dangerous influences. We two-legged ones also suffer from the spring moods as well, but at least if we are feeling grumpy we can walk up to someone nice and cuddly and link arms for comfort. They can't, so the best advice I can give you to stave off the pet rock spring rages is to keep them about your person at all times, then they will have so much snooping, eavesdropping and fact-remembering to do, they won't even realize spring is here.
I am sure that most of you Rubble Clubbers will have no spring trouble at all, no red eyes, no rigidity and no tantrums, because like me, you treat your pet rocks like princes and princesses, well-loved, well-socialised, in your pocket and in touch with their own kind every week here at the Rubble Club. However, like the devoted pet rock handlers that you are, I know you like to learn all my time-honoured techniques for advanced pet rock welfare. So there you are, learn them you have! Before you start getting above your station and thinking you will have my job very soon, I must advise you you have a long way to go yet. Your expertise will need sharpening for a few hundred years before you can hope to snatch my chairman's crown away.
I must go and mingle with the membership now, Rubblers, so until we meet again, I remain your devoted chairman, friend and world-leading expert, Madge Dumpling.