Hello, you have clicked the correct buttons, Rubble Clubbers, and landed yourselves back in my parlour for another jolly meeting. Hello, little rockies, perch yourselves along there next to my newborns so you can see my familiar old face and read what's going on here in Undergrowby(the land where you too were born). Thank you for bringing them, Rubblers. I'm glad to see you are taking responsible pet rock ownership seriously. They all like to return to the mountain from which they are chip from time to time, and without you bringing them to the Rubble Club every Friday, their history would be nothing but a memory.
History is, after all, a pet rock's speciality subject. They love to remember and absorb absolutely everything they hear, see, feel and do. Ask them to memorise the words to a song and they will. Ask them to memorise a film script and they will. They would be fine actors and singers if only they had an audible voice. We alone, Rubble Clubbers, can listen to their silent voices and understand their needs. That's because you love them, you are thinking, in your modest way. Well, let me tell you, Rubble Clubbers, you are a little bit magical and sensitive too, or you would never have been chosen by them that day at the Magic Wand Factory Shop on Dickson Road, Blackpool. Pet rocks are very stubborn and will not go home with just anyone. Rest assured, you are gifted.
It's just as well the rest of the world can't hear their voices as well as us, because there would be no need for all those encyclopaedias and filing cabinets out there. The pet rocks would be happy to remember and recite back all our information for us about everything since time began, and they would be used as slaves everywhere. And what a waste of their fine minds that would be. No, they're better off with us, Rubble Clubbers, bringing their calm, gentle, lucky life force into the midst of friends like us who adore them and are eager to understand their stony-silent touchy-feely language. Bridging the gap between rock and human is your own peculiar calling, and if you keep coming to the Rubble Club and following my guidance, you can achieve it.
Help yourselves to the rock cakes and gravel tea while I shuffle around and ask my pet rocks to remind me what the business of the day is. Ah yes, thank you. Volcanos. If you remember, last week I was having a shortage of raw materials for the pet rocks and considering ways of charming up a volcano here in Blackpool to throw up a new mountain for me, but I have thought better of it since then. I have become quite fond of the place exactly as it is, and although the Rocky Headlands (or so I call it) is somewhat artificial as rocks go, I would miss it if it went up in the air with a bang. Anyway, as it happens, the specimens have returned to the seashore so I have abandoned planning for a volcano after all, much to my rockies' disappointment. They love a nice raging fire, as we all know, so as a consolation prize, I have made some little mini volcano incense cone burners with a secret hidey hole inside, so they can play at being smoking volcanos whenever I decide it is a good idea. I never let them loose with fire-making equipment when I am absent, but as long as I am there to watch and light the cones for them, my parlour will remain intact. If you want one of my volcanos for your own little rockies, you can buy one of my fireproof, Rubble Club recommended stoneware creations from the Magic Wand Factory Shop.
I was planning to go in depth with a long rambling lecture on the history of the fire element in Undergrowby today but time has beaten me, so it wll have to wait till next week. I have to thank Anonymous for a lovely cheery letter, and Grandad Gray for wiping off his own nonesensical gobbledygook which he wrote just to check if his computer was working correctly. Linedancer, my trusty prefect, alerted Granny Gray to the 'item removed' from my mailbag which drew my attention to it. Now we have all got to the bottom of it and a confession has been extracted from Grandad Gray. We will not be having any items of correspondance removed ever again, I hope. Thank you, Linedancer. Where would I be without you?
I expect you are all looking forward to your lecture on the fire element in Undergrowby, well so am I, so be sure to return for it. If no one arrives, I will just talk to myself and the rockies. Till then, I remain your reliable friend and chairman, Madge Dumpling.
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My rockies have asked me to let you know they are looking forward to the fire element lecture and will be attending! Also they love the bonfire. They are huddled round it chattering as I type, surrounded by the little signs etc that pop up from time to time at the factory and then find their way back to my home!
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