Meeting of the Rubble Club 26th September 2008

Hello, Rubble Clubbers and hello to pet rocks everywhere. This is Madge Dumpling, Rubble Club Chairman, world-famous pet rock whisperer and baker of the best rock cakes in Undergrowby (help yourselves from the buffet over there on that rocky ledge behind the rubbish bin). I am speaking to you today on my magic laptop from a shady corner of the seafront rockery, Lower Promenade, Blackpool, on a mild, balmy day at summer's end. Cheerful-looking humans,(Rubble club members?) are wandering past me as if I were invisible. I am waving my Rubble Club flag at them all, but they are so busy gazing at the sea and eating bags of chips they fail to notice me and my delicious buffet. Like me, they are still dressed in their summer best.
Summer, as I have already explained to you, is the season of the fire element, and a pet rock's favourite time of year, and as it draws to a close there is always a sense of loss in the air here at the rockery. There is a short while at the change of every season when life's forces take as dip down to earth to rest before transforming into the new force of nature which is the new incoming season. This period of change belongs to the earth element itself, the very element to which pet rocks (and myself... and all earth mothers and fathers of the animal kingdom...) belong.
Like the body of the earth, this period is dark and still and motionless, and we pray that it does not rain because dampness is the enemy of the earth element, and causes worry and overthinking in pet rocks. Luckily, as I said earlier, it is a dry, warm day and all is well. The rockies are taking the loss of summer in their stride, as they can always be relied upon to do, and we are making merry plans for what is to come once summer has disappeared altogether.
Autumn activity always comes in two phases in Undergrowby. The first is the gathering-in of gifts and the second is the sharing out of gifts. Autumn is the season of the heavenly metal element, which entails a lot of exchanging, seeding, fence-mending, shelter-building, cocoon making, deep breathing and skin care. Well, we have to create a full programme of events to take our pet rocks' minds off the loss of summer, don't we Rubblers? It's our job to distract them in these troubling times by keeping them busy with their correct seasonal activities.
As we are still in the earth element seasonal gap, we have to think earthily in our pet rock care. How do we think earthily? We consider the dense, heavy substance of the earth itself and, with our mind and breath concentrated in the lower half of our body, think ourselves heavy and safe, immovable and strong like a mountain. Then, when we give our pets a little hug or a comforting back rub, we impart through our fingertips that lumpy feeling of solid secure safety that we have magically become through thinking ourselves so. Every pet rock owner needs to practise this earth element enhancing exercise if they are to be any use at all during pet rock panic attacks, and to help bridge the gap between the seasons.
I have to report that the fish tank in the Magic Wand Factory Shop on Dickson Road, Blackpool, is now swarming with all those little baby fish which I helped to hatch last week. When they grow up they are going to be very overcrowded so, Rubble Clubbers, get yourselves a fish tank right away and set it all up with plants and Granny Gray's magical Undergrowby fish tank ornaments and perhaps a little statue of myself, holding my nose. Then you can come along to the shop and collect a free gift of a bag full of my baby fish to swim around and entertain your pet rocks. It will be the ideal Christmas present for them. There is always a huge crowd of pet rocks sitting around, peering into the tank on the shop counter. They love it almost as much as my singing.
That naughty pet rock who plunged into the tank last week in an attention-seeking tantrum is still underwater, scowling at the front of the tank but flatly refuses to come out now. (He is getting too much attention). He slips through Granny Gray's fingers whenever she tries to grab him and return him to dry land. Well, what can one expect? Due, no doubt, to the relentless rainstorm and flooding of the Stone Quarry on the night of his birth, he was born to be naughty and live in the Naughty Corner of the pet rockery(or in his case, now, in the fish tank). Luckily, the fish are wise enough to ignore him, which is the best way to treat naughtiness, as I am sure you will agree, Rubblers? If he thinks he can escape being in the naughty corner, he is wrong. I have ordered Granny Gray to lower a new Naughty Corner signpost into the tank next to where he is sitting.
Many congratulations to my trusty assistant, Linedancer on her well-earned promotion to head prefect. She is now in charge of a team of prefects including John, Jacob and Julie, who are about to be presented with their prefects' badges. No, J, J and J, I have not forgotten. These things take time, and I have to conduct my security checks, don't I?
And now, Rubblers, I am signing off to get on with my breathing exercises as I expect you will be doing too, after what you now know. Till next week I remain your magical little friend and chairman, Madge Dumpling.