Hello and welcome to you all on this bright autumn day. This is Madge Dumpling again in the service of pet rocks and their gentle owners worldwide, re-opening the doors of the Stone Quarry to you all. The rock cakes have lost their crispness, I'm afraid, because I made them during the cold snap a couple of days ago and they caught a touch of the damp overnight when it rained in. Still, I know some of you like them soggy, so dig in!
First, the mailbag. Linedancer, I am distraught that you have injured yourself and I have consulted Doc Leaf who has signed you off sick until further notice. Well, according to him, ligaments and tendons are governed by the wood element, and if injured need rest, support and gentle twirling movements of every other joint in the body except for the damaged area, to keep the wood element supple. Pay particular attention to the head, neck, shoulders and eyes. Invent a little wobbly dance with your eyes, and let all your upper body join in until you start to smile. That's it, you need to keep yourself cheery. If ligaments, tendons, joints or nails are damaged you may find yourself prone to bad moods, anger, frustration and depression, but rest assured it will pass along with the illness. But I know you, Linedancer, you love your work (like myself) and it must be killing you to be off sick, but off sick you will have to stay. I can't be having my head prefect going around limping and shouting at everyone. No, stay under the covers until you are quite well, Linedancer. You know what it says on the sign hanging outside Doc Leaf's Surgery.... ..."Gnature Cures While u Wait". You will have to master the ancient art of waiting, and knit some little scarves for your pet rocks while you are at it.
All this wood element illness could be because you were born in the forest, but I suspect, by my acute powers of detection that you might have been rambling around in the Wandmakers' Forest once too often, visiting that Wanderella Windmeddler, and tripped up on a twig. Well, if you have, it is all coming home to roost now, and I hope it makes you realise how much safer it is up in the Rocky Headlands here with me.
Now, Tom Moffat, you are turning out to be a little star, isn't he, Linedancer? You will be having more than one fish to take back home with you as a prize for all your lovely letters Tom. You will need a little shoal of at least five, because some creatures, like pet rocks, mountain minnows and ourselves, hate to be alone. And yes, it sounds as if that grumpy, naughty pet rock is going to love it at your house when you finally fish him out of the bottom of the tank. I shan't tell him though, or he'll think he's won. If you want to spoil him, all I can say is, you will have to live with him, so it's up to you. By the way, there was another letter about fish and the naughty pet rock. Was that from you too, Tom, or is there someone else called Anonymous writing to me? I would be relieved to solve this mysterious riddle, so would you be so kind as to let me know, Tom, then I can bring my investigation on this matter to a close.
Earlier, I mentioned that there has been a cold snap when the rain came in and drenched the little rockies hatching along my hearth, who, as I predicted when I heard the first drip, drip, drip, have all turned out to be naughty pet rocks, with faces only a mother(such as me, and you, Rubble Clubbers) could love. I already had a group of naughty rockies sulking away unwanted in the naughty corner of the pet rock display in the Magic Wand Factory Shop on Dickson Road, Blackpool. I was starting to worry about having too many grumpy faces around the place, but this week a strange miracle has taken place. A kind, jolly holiday-maker came in the shop and made a bee-line for the naughty corner. He whisked up a whole crowd of naughty pet rocks as presents for his friends and family back home. I hope his friends and family are very understanding and if any of them are here at the meeting, a hearty welcome to you, and by way of consolation for those new grumpy little faces in your midst, I can recommend them for their service to deterring unwanted guests, burglars and the like. Deterrence is their best talent, so give them a job in this sector and it will keep them distracted from other attention-seeking behaviours to which they are prone. And keep a lid on fish tanks at all times or they will be in there sulking away and depressing your fish.
Anyway, thanks to that, there is an empty spot in the naughty corner, just in time for the new arrivals. Pet rocks move in mysterious ways, don't they, Rubblers? I wonder who will be taking this new batch off our hands? It could be you.
The sky is now darkening outside, the wind is howling and the flags outside the fancy dress shop across the road are fluttering wildly. Rubble Clubbers, on days like this please turn your pet rocks' faces away from the window, like mine are, and sing them a little song to drown out the sound of the wind. It's looking like there will be no trips around the Blackpol Illuminations for tonight's party of little rockies, who are already perched inside my Illuminations Tour Basket with their umbrellas, waiting for the off. Oh, they have heard me saying that and are looking dazed and miserable. Well, all right then, but it will have to be very quick! And no umbrellas! And you will all have to have a hot bath when we get back.(More work for Granny Gray, the shop-keeping martyr whom I have trained well in the ancient practise of pet rock grooming. I expect I will be too exhausted to do it myself, as usual.)
I will have to leave you now, because I have to chivvy that husband of mine, Malcolm Dumpling (who is asleep over there in the corner in his pet rocking chair) to mend the Stone Quarry roof before the next downpour. I daresay he will protest because of the wind. Well, never mind the wind, someone has to do it and I am too busy dutifully singing to the little rockies (and so, I hope, are you).
Autumn is the time for inventing indoor games of all kinds for the amusement of housebound pet rocks. Musical chairs might seem a good choice, but pet rocks are not in the least competitive and musical chairs is designed to upset someone every time the music stops. Pet rocks would rather stand still for ever than risk upsetting anyone else by grabbing the last chair. Try it for yourself, if you don't believe me and think musical chairs is great fun, but you'll have to forcibly lift them onto the chairs and be the one to cause the distress. Pass The Parcel is better, with a nice present every time the music stops, and as long as there are enough presents to go round and no one gets left out. The all-time favourite amusement is story-time, with you telling the story in fine detail. They love to remember fine details even if they are a complete fiction and make no sense. I leave it with you, Rubblers. Make up a new story every night and your pet rocks will be very very happy.
Despite all my prodding Malcolm is refusing to wake up, so I shall have to leave you while I go and get a bucket of water. I shall be here again next week and until then I remain your constantly dutiful chairman and damp little friend, Madge Dumpling.
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